Hello 2011!

It is exactly 7.52 pm according to my computer's watch and I am just 4 hours and 8 minutes away from welcoming 2011. Yey! Hello '11!

2010 is such an overloaded year with all the changes and new things that I encountered. There's my graduation from my beloved high school and saying see you to my dear batch mates. When June came, I then faced college with a big smile despite my doubts and fears of it. One of the hardest parts of going to college is not being able to see most of my friends (yes, you're right, my high school batch mates) as often as I saw them when we were in high school. Also, having to live far from my family and experiencing how it is to be independent add to the challenges I faced this 2010. There are so many things in my life that bid goodbye, said see you and greeted me hello for all of the 365 days of 2010 and they made this year pretty exciting.

I don't have resolutions for 2011 because one of the things I hate the most is promises not being fulfilled. So I just wish for some things to happen instead of making them my resolutions so that I would not pressure myself to do them since I know I probably won't.

My eleven for 2011:

1. Eat more. Be fat. My body refuses to get fat (I know I'm really thin so I won't add the suffix -er to fat) and no matter how much I eat and how piggish I become, it just would not cooperate. Dear body, please please please get fat this 2011. I would love to have some more belly and to experience what it feels like to be chubby.
2. Be an angel. (>:D) I am already an angel! (Really?) What I mean is that I want to be more of an angel this year and spread some more love to everyone who is a part of my life. Weee. :)
3. Stop procrastinating! Do my assignments the day it is given to me. Study a little everyday so I would not have to cram when exams start to pop up. Can I seriously do this? I wish.
4. Be more organized. Clean my room every day. Whaaaaaaaat?! Aaah.. :|
5. Be more responsible. Every little decision I make I know will have an effect on my life. So this 2011, I will try to be a man (haha, yea!) and face the consequences of my every choice. I would also stay away from the things that may lead to something terribly bad. Like walking on a tightrope hanging from the 18th floor of a building while juggling and balancing a knife on the tip of my tongue.
6. Gain more friends. Everything in college is so temporary like the semestral change of classes and classmates. But it is still fun to have a new friend in every class I will have. At least, I would have someone to ask for assignments and lessons in case I need to absent or I just want to cut classes. Speaking of..
7. Stop cutting classes! Stop cutting classes. Stop cutting classes. Stop cutting classes...
8. Love more, hate less. Even if I super hate some people existing in this world (like my older brother), I would try (again, try) to forgive and let things pass as long as I can handle the fire burning inside my head. I also wish for these people (like my older brother) to stop being such assholes and be nicer to me. Let's help each other and the world gain some more peace and loving, shan't we?
9. Be an OBEM (Organization of Business Economics Majors) member. Up until now, I am not yet sure if I really want to join an organization but I am sure that I want to finish the app process. I am not afraid of the app process but I fear the life of an org member because of the extra activities that will add up to the academic requirements. But the present org members promise to help us if we have problems in our acads and it would really help if they do. All I can say is, OBEM, here I come!
10. Get higher grades. Study more. Get away from procrastination. Stop cutting classes. And what do I get? Higher grades! Yeeeey! Higher GWA please. -___-
11. And lastly, try to fulfill the other 10 listed above.

I don't wish for something grand. I don't long for impossible things. All I really want for 2011 is to stay happy with all the people I love. And of course, to spend every day smiling and laughing about every little beautiful thing.

8.31 on the clock, 3 hours and 29 minutes left before 2011 shows up. Let's all enjoy saying hi to 2011. Happy new year guys! See you next post. :)

Wishes do (not) come true.

I thought this Christmas would be really fun. But it isn't that way. I'm talking about this year's Christmas break and my expectations of this season weren't meant. Like, more peace at home. More time to relax and to enjoy before school works start to pile up again. More bonding moments with my friends and my family. More reasons to be happy of this year. But it seems like 2010 would not end the way I want it to. No, it would not just because.

I can't say I am the problem or the problem is me. Besides, I am not the only person making me feel this way. Or maybe it really is my problem that I blame everyone about what I'm currently feeling. Everything just seems so unfair. Like, I don't get through a day without someone noticing a mistake, recognizing a fault, pointing at something I did wrong. It feels like I am a paper with something written on one half while the other is spotless white. Everybody wants to write something but they keep on noticing the dirty half of me and not the one which is clean and can be written on. I feel so useless with everybody counting on the things I do and I cannot do and limiting me with things I don't want to do rather than letting me do what I want and compromising with what they want.

That is exactly what I feel now. I know that the reason for this season is not for me to be happy for myself but for me to be happy for Him, because He came here to save us all. But how can I be truly happy when the people I want to share this season with makes me feel unwanted, makes me think that I'm not a part of them?

People have so many wishes during the Yule season. They wish for more parties, more sales, more food, more money, more material things that are not the essence of why we celebrate Christmas. For me, I only wish to celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ with the people I love so much, my family. But how can I celebrate when they keep on casting me away? Maybe I am casting myself away, pushing myself farther from them. But I am so tired of understanding and coping and letting them win over something which isn't even a fight.

There are some days left for the season before school starts again. We even have a reunion a day before New Year's Eve. I just wish that my wish come true. And make myself believe that wishes do not come true.

Doing nothing is doing something

Hey there. I haven't written anything for a while. My last post was like weeks ago. And I said there that I'll be posting something of interest for my readers. But wtf, my good friend told me that my blog is for myself. This is my own webby diary. The only difference is that I am making whatever I write here for the eyes of anyone who wants to read it unlike in a conventional diary, I wouldn't let anyone touch it. So, here I am. Writing for myself again.

I still haven't brought back my creative juices. It's like a month now that I don't feel any creative civilization living inside my body. I am not into anything that needs creativity for now (except for making stars which I'll share later on and for writing blogs and editing photos). But I miss the feeling of seeing something creative in any little thing I find interesting. And besides, my dictionary seems to shut down along with my creative head. Just like now while I'm making this post, I've been using the backspace quite frequently because I can't find the right words to fit the ideas cooking up inside me.

I planned to visit my blog and my tumblr more often this Christmas break but I don't feel like doing so because of my creative drought. So, I am spending my time fb-ing and twitter-ing (if I think there's something interesting going on with my life, which is not happening, so not much twitter really) and making stars. What stars am I talking about? Well, this is my secret power I've been keeping for a very long time and whoever is reading this now is very lucky because now you know I can make stars with my hands. Nice joke, did not even make myself laugh. What I mean by making stars is that I get some pieces of paper (with the ROYGBIV colors plus white), draw some equal vertical lines (which may look horizontal depending on the orientation of the paper), cut the pieces of paper along these lines (with my ultra sharp scissors, yeah!), make a loop at one end of the cut paper (which will make the end look like a pentagon), fold the paper along the sides of the pentagon (then insert the other end of the paper to lock it, oh fuck I think no one will get what I'm trying to say) and lastly, pinch the sides of the pentagon to make the star. If you don't get it, boohoo. If yes, hurray! You can try it if you have nothing better to do just like me. I am planning to make 1000 stars and give them to someone who doesn't even have a Christmas gift for me (or maybe it's just late, I don't really care if that person has a gift for me or not). My Christmas break becomes more special because of these stars..NOT.

During the last week of classes for the year 2010, I had a field trip to different churches in Bulacan (Philippines). But I wasn’t able to enjoy the 800-peso trip. The reason is, I'm a Christian but I am not really a religious person. If you don't see the difference, better ask my dad to explain because I suck in differentiating the two. There's a park across one of the churches where they keep a very huge, enormously huge, snake. The locals said that the snake eats five chickens a day. I even thought I'll fit myself inside it because it is really really big. Also, the last Monday of the last week of classes before Christmas break had a Math exam on it. I am so contented with my score (1.5, yeah!) given the fact that I wasn't able to study seriously. Last week was also carefree because I only had Math (7-8 am) as my only class. The professors are so generous in giving us free cuts. Hurray for their Christmas gifts for us!

What else, what else? Yesterday was the 22nd day of December and guess what? It's another special day for me and him! (Yeah, he’s the guy I have been posting about a few times here in my blog) Yey for us! 29 months and still counting. He visited me and we had a little bonding time with my five-year-old brother Maron. After that, we went out and saw some friends (Gab and Eeia) at SM San Pablo. We went to Ultimart and played some arcade games and watched a mime dance. Then to Sampaloc Lake to see it so beautiful at night. Well, no one can see the floating garbage when it's dark. After that, we went back to my house and after some more bonding time with Maron, he said goodbye. Yipee! Happy days, I just wish they won't end.

Another thing that makes me happy this Christmas break is our ref. It is so full of fooooood. I should have been fatter if our ref is always this full. Why do we prepare yummy things only during the Yule season? More foods please! More foods during the rest of the year.

Overstuffed. This post is overstuffed. Guess I miss telling my stories during my absence. I was also able to practice my “free writing” skills (if there are some) here. Oh, creative writing. :| I'll try to post more during the break (before school works pop up again). Bye for now. See you next post guys. :)

Midnight Madness

It is 12:14 according to my watch. I'm dreadfully sleepy but I can't help writing now when something within me is pushing me to. Actually, I don't really feel like writing because of this prof I have in my Creative Writing class. She makes me feel like I'm a no-good writer and I should stop writing before I become the cause of the extinction of writers. I know that she makes me feel like that so I can improve on my writing. But seriously, I'm contented with how I write already. And I just took this class so I can show off my writing skills, if I have such.

Anyways, I've been reading some blogs and I found out that I don't write for my followers. I had been writing for myself and I've been doing this ever since. Well, some of my blogs are for other people but most of them (like 95% of my blogs) are just for me. I am using this blog as an outlet of my feelings so I think I am the only one who really understands the heck I am writing. I think I'll be posting blogs which relate to the general public in case someone is serious in reading what I am putting in here.

My mind is asleep by 11pm so I guess the writing-for-others-and-not-for-myself-only won't start now. Maybe I'd be writing something before I head back to QC tomorrow. Think I should be sleeping now and saving my energy for who knows what. So, this is it for now. I'll try to improve my writing ability and to write something of interest for the readers. Oh well.

Goodnight for now! I mean, Good mornight! See you next time. ;)

Yeah.

I'm tired of pretending that it's okay but I can't help it. I guess I hurt twice when I get mad. I mean, if I don't talk to him, the pain doubles. Can you get it? Like I'd rather swallow my pride and keep the hell I'm feeling than ignore him until I feel better. Cause I know I will never feel better if I ignore him. He's so passive that I often feel I am so bad, I always hurt him and things like that. But when I really think about it, I'm the one who just makes things pass. Okay, it's not his fault that he does not know anything about being a boyfriend when we started. But after two years? Shouldn't he be more sensitive about what I feel? And shouldn't he know by now when I need something from him? Like attention, and time, and effort. It's not like I'm counting what I can do for him and what he cannot do for me. I'm just a seventeen year old girl who needs those things from her boyfriend like any other seventeen year old girls.

So if he reads this, I'm dead. He's going to get emo and say sorry and such. But I don't need any sorry's from him because he did not do anything wrong in the first place. I just want him to balance things out. And not make me feel like I'm doing more. Shouldn't I be doing that for myself? I don't really know.

All I have to do is shut up and let this pass. And try to make me love myself more so I won't feel terrible. Gooosh. The end.

Blaaaah

I really need my creative mind right now but it seems to be sleeping. I have these two things I need to do that requires creativity but my mind would not just cooperate. First is that free writing about Christmas for my CW 10 class and the other is the Pride Board for our Pride Night in our dorm. I can't think of anything to write for CW 10 and it freaks me out especially that our prof makes me feel like I'm a no-good writer. Gooood. Please help me awe her with my writing skills if I have some. That only talent I'm really proud of went poof cause of my prof. This pride board I hate because I don't feel like doing it. Why? Just because. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm turning into a..a..I don't know. I can't even find the right word to represent what I feel. Gotta end this blabber. Bye guys.

What is mourning?

It's like a five year old girl looking for her daddy
Then turning to the right and seeing his coffin
It's trying to tell her he's up there in heaven
But it will take her a lifetime to see him again.

It's like witnessing a house light up and burn down
And watching the ashes scatter around
It's looking for water so you can help out
Then realize that it is the middle of a drought.

It's like trying to shout every held up feeling
But no one seems to hear a thing
It's kneeling to the floor and crying and cursing
But everyone does not care about what they're seeing.

It's waking up in the morning to find out he's gone
And trying to feel his warmth but there is none
It's remembering the embrace of that one man
Just to open your eyes to see an empty hand.

It's holding onto the past 'cause that's all you've got
And hating the present 'cause nothing feels right
It's fearing the future for more or's and but's
But still waking up just to see all end and rot.

Kind of imitated from one of my CW 10 classmates. Her poem's really good so I was inspired to write something the same. :P