Stagnant

It's hard to stay together when all you do is fight with each other. But it's hardest when you choose to let go even if every part of you doesn't want to.

We've been together for almost three years now. And we're still standing on square one. Or maybe, we've rolled  the dice for so many times but we keep falling on the squares which tell us to go back to start. Go back to start. There are some good things to it, some bad, like any other thing in this world. Nothing can go perfectly right in the same way that nothing can go perfectly wrong.

Any relationship needs growing and maturing and I believe that every girl in a relationship needs them too. Girls want their relationships to grow and they want their partners to grow with them. Who wants to remain stagnant anyway? I'm just one of those girls and like them, I want to see us grow together. But he wants to keep still. He wants to stay on square one. He says he cannot handle the pressure of serious commitments. 

So I think this is not serious. Three years and seven months was not serious.

I hate to think that that is the case. I want to believe that what we have is serious. It would not last this long anyway if it wasn't, right? But I continue on thinking about what he said, keep coming back to the thought about being serious. If you're not serious with this, why do you want this?

I really want to forget about the thought of saying goodbye sometime in the future. Cause I know how much it will hurt me. I can already feel the pain just by thinking about it. I don't want that time to come because I know I would not take it.

I said goodbye a lot of times, I had hurt him for who knows how much. And I really hate myself for hurting him because he does not deserve it. I blame him for being himself when I liked him because of exactly that. I change my mind in a snap then I get mad at him because of my own decision. I tell him things no one would want to hear then tell him it is his fault when he just choose to keep quiet. I put every single blame on him even if I know how much it hurts him.

Now I know why he does not want to be serious. It is because of me. Problems happen because I want to take things too seriously and he does not want us to have any, so he decides to keep it simple. I cannot blame him for that.

I promised not to say goodbye anymore. I know deep inside him that he does not believe me. I've broken that promise a lot of times and I understand if he does not believe in it now. It is my fault anyway. But this time, I will make sure of that. This will be the last time I'll consider breaking up.

I love him so much. That's all I need to keep this relationship going. Even if it means I have to stop wanting us to grow. Because all things are easier if they are kept simple.