Wishes do (not) come true.

I thought this Christmas would be really fun. But it isn't that way. I'm talking about this year's Christmas break and my expectations of this season weren't meant. Like, more peace at home. More time to relax and to enjoy before school works start to pile up again. More bonding moments with my friends and my family. More reasons to be happy of this year. But it seems like 2010 would not end the way I want it to. No, it would not just because.

I can't say I am the problem or the problem is me. Besides, I am not the only person making me feel this way. Or maybe it really is my problem that I blame everyone about what I'm currently feeling. Everything just seems so unfair. Like, I don't get through a day without someone noticing a mistake, recognizing a fault, pointing at something I did wrong. It feels like I am a paper with something written on one half while the other is spotless white. Everybody wants to write something but they keep on noticing the dirty half of me and not the one which is clean and can be written on. I feel so useless with everybody counting on the things I do and I cannot do and limiting me with things I don't want to do rather than letting me do what I want and compromising with what they want.

That is exactly what I feel now. I know that the reason for this season is not for me to be happy for myself but for me to be happy for Him, because He came here to save us all. But how can I be truly happy when the people I want to share this season with makes me feel unwanted, makes me think that I'm not a part of them?

People have so many wishes during the Yule season. They wish for more parties, more sales, more food, more money, more material things that are not the essence of why we celebrate Christmas. For me, I only wish to celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ with the people I love so much, my family. But how can I celebrate when they keep on casting me away? Maybe I am casting myself away, pushing myself farther from them. But I am so tired of understanding and coping and letting them win over something which isn't even a fight.

There are some days left for the season before school starts again. We even have a reunion a day before New Year's Eve. I just wish that my wish come true. And make myself believe that wishes do not come true.