Just another stupid rant

It's been a long time since I came around. Been a long time but I'm back in town. Lalalala.


How long ago was my last post? Seriously. And now I'm back not to tell anyone who's reading this happy stories but to let myself shout out all my frustrations over the past, what, 3 months? This will be the last time I'll talk about this stupid shit. (maybe, but I'll try)

I hate people, no, I don't like people who think they're too cool than others, too pretty or handsome than others, too smart than others, too everything nice and lovely than others. I mean, you are not the only people in the world! Ego check, please. I can see your heads from twenty miles away. And excuse me, stop pretending that your attitude is as good-looking as your faces. Please, I know you better than that. And I guess that's why you get along with your friends. Because you have the attitude. Well, same birds flock together and eventually bicker behind each other.

I also don't like those who pretend they're your friends when you are facing them. Slap me hard on the face, I like it better than you talking behind my back. And saying things like you're not pertaining to me. Who are you fooling? Remember, liars only fool themselves. I don't really care the heck you're talking about. I just hate that other people actually likes you. If only they know what you say about them.

And to think that people think that you people are the sweetest things in the world. If you are cupcakes, I would rather eat raw meat, thank you very much. That's how disgusting, I'm sorry, I mean not preferable you are to me.

Oh, I don't care how many people get hit by what I wrote. There's nothing to worry if you're not guilty, right? Me and my big mouth, I know. Just please, show others who you are and don't hide behind that "We're so sweet and cool, we're like a popsicle." Yes, you're cool and "sweet" but you're also cold. Teehee.

Guess that's it. Good luck to all of you. I wonder if you really are many. (hahaha, I guess not) And, happy birthday to me on the 30th! :))

Nothing lasts forever.

Forever is NOT real.


That is one thing I realized after we broke up. It was done since over a month ago. I was expecting it to come but it still hurt me like I was slapped in the face. It hurt and still hurts up until now. I don't know how long the pain stays with me but I do wish it will go away soon.

It strikes me how he always said he'll never leave me. Whenever I tell him, "Don't leave me," he'll always say, "Why would I?" And then I'd stop asking him to not leave me because with those three words, he made me believe he wouldn't. What ever happened?

I tried to stop the break up. I told him to give "us" another try but he does not want to. What did I do to make him stop holding on?

Now I know that nothing lasts forever. Now I know that I should not believe someone who tells me he'll never leave me unless he proves it. Because now I know time will come that promises will be broken. And now I know that forever is not real.

Life moves on. Time heals everything. I guess these are true. I just hope that I can manage to be his friend after every effort wasted. I want us to be friends, really. But it hurts me like hell.

Oh well, there's nothing more I can do but to forget everything. Because remembering all that happened kills me. Screw forever's and happily ever after's. None of them are real.

"Built a wall around my heart

Never let it fall apart

Strangely I wish secretly

It would fall down while I'm asleep"

Hiatus

I feel numb. I don't feel anything.

They told me to get out of the house, which I did. He cursed me, told me he didn't want me. They took all the things they gave me. And now I don't feel anything.

Do I have to say sorry for something I didn't even want? It's not my fault that I wasn't accepted in that stupid dorm they want me to live. Why do they have to make things worse? It was just a stupid dorm for crying out loud. Just a stupid dorm. Now, I'm out of our house. I don't even know if they want me back.

A stupid dorm. It's all that it took for them to tell me how they do not want me. Why can't they let go of the past baggages? They always pile up everything. Every fucking thing. Like, can't they see how much effort I am putting up for my mistakes? Why can't we just forgive and forget?

I feel numb. I feel hate. I feel sad. I feel anger. I feel good that I am away. Now I just don't feel anything.

Change

I have two friends I love very much. They are the best people I've ever known in my life. I have been friends with them since we were very young. We did everything together, went to school, answered our assignments, watched movies, and more. We laughed about nonsense things. We talked about the simplest acts. I always felt like I had the best conversation when all of us are just sitting together, without even saying a word. And now, I feel like everything has changed. Where had the best things gone?

I was always closer to the other. Always confiding to her about my problems. She knew almost every little thing going on in my life. And I am the same with her. We have the connection that anyone can see and feel. We are soul mates. Or so I thought. Well, what can I do?

The only constant thing is change.

My other friend is also dear to me. I also share secrets and stories with him. But I never knew we would be this close. Closer than I and my girl friend. Now, I tell him all the things I used to relate to my other friend. So, thinking again, there are still things that break away from the cruel hands of time and change.

And we, my guy friend and I, are a part of those.

It's sad to think that the once unbreakable bond, the once strong connection, can be delimited by distance and time. It can recede to something weaker because of change. And if there is something I can do to light up the flames again...

But no matter how hard I try, change still takes her away from me.

Friends

I suddenly have the urge to write something about my friends. And the fact that I want them to be my friends till we finish college, have jobs, have families, have children, have grandchildren. Till we grow old. And die. I want us to be together till forever and a day. That is how much I love my friends.

I met them when we were like 12 or 13. Yea, that was a few years ago. We don't celebrate any friendship anniversary (though I think it would be cool) cause we know that this will last forever so we should not bother counting the years anymore. But still, we are friends for 4-5 years now. I smile when I think about all the laughters, all the tears, all the stories, all the fun, all the adventures that we shared. And I look forward to more of those when our friendship grows old with us.

We are all still young and some of us have parents that do not allow us to have some fun (not really, but yea, that includes me). I have so many things that I want to do with my friends that I still cannot do with them now. But it excites me when I think about the future when all of us are already college graduates and have jobs..freedom! Like..

1. Road trips! Better if not planned
2. Overnights. Yea, we have some once in a while but imagine having to (almost) live with my friends and have an overnight with them whenever I want.
3. Endless movie marathons.
4. Out-of-the-town trips.
5. Yea, out-of-the-country too!
6. Trying death defying things like..zipline! (haha!)
7. Staying in a 24-hour fastfood and pigging out.
8. Food trips/Resto hopping (when we all have the money to go to expensive ones. Poor us (me).)
9. Beach nights where all we want to do is to watch the sunrise, then we'll probably leave.
10. Shop till we drop..dead.
11. Parties! That just includes us.
12. Getting drunk. I don't really drink but I want to experience throwing up because of alcohol with my dearest friends.
13. Going back to places where we once went, like Ilocos.
14. Attending each other's marriages. That would really be sweet.
15. Being the godparents of each other's children.
16. ...

And to think I met them all in high school! I love my friends..

With one of the sweetest, Crissel.

Double date, eh? 

Paulo, me, John Gab and Crissel.

The girls. Me, Jello, Vivien.

My guy bestfriend, Yeshua and my sister in soul, Bea.

Bea, (Mamee dearest and bestfriend) Chin-chin, me.

 I want to grow old with this guy. 

Paulo.

The girls I really love, the Wild Card Gang. 

Coleen, me, Jonah, Vivien and Chin-chin.

And yea, the best high school batch ever, OTen:

Stagnant

It's hard to stay together when all you do is fight with each other. But it's hardest when you choose to let go even if every part of you doesn't want to.

We've been together for almost three years now. And we're still standing on square one. Or maybe, we've rolled  the dice for so many times but we keep falling on the squares which tell us to go back to start. Go back to start. There are some good things to it, some bad, like any other thing in this world. Nothing can go perfectly right in the same way that nothing can go perfectly wrong.

Any relationship needs growing and maturing and I believe that every girl in a relationship needs them too. Girls want their relationships to grow and they want their partners to grow with them. Who wants to remain stagnant anyway? I'm just one of those girls and like them, I want to see us grow together. But he wants to keep still. He wants to stay on square one. He says he cannot handle the pressure of serious commitments. 

So I think this is not serious. Three years and seven months was not serious.

I hate to think that that is the case. I want to believe that what we have is serious. It would not last this long anyway if it wasn't, right? But I continue on thinking about what he said, keep coming back to the thought about being serious. If you're not serious with this, why do you want this?

I really want to forget about the thought of saying goodbye sometime in the future. Cause I know how much it will hurt me. I can already feel the pain just by thinking about it. I don't want that time to come because I know I would not take it.

I said goodbye a lot of times, I had hurt him for who knows how much. And I really hate myself for hurting him because he does not deserve it. I blame him for being himself when I liked him because of exactly that. I change my mind in a snap then I get mad at him because of my own decision. I tell him things no one would want to hear then tell him it is his fault when he just choose to keep quiet. I put every single blame on him even if I know how much it hurts him.

Now I know why he does not want to be serious. It is because of me. Problems happen because I want to take things too seriously and he does not want us to have any, so he decides to keep it simple. I cannot blame him for that.

I promised not to say goodbye anymore. I know deep inside him that he does not believe me. I've broken that promise a lot of times and I understand if he does not believe in it now. It is my fault anyway. But this time, I will make sure of that. This will be the last time I'll consider breaking up.

I love him so much. That's all I need to keep this relationship going. Even if it means I have to stop wanting us to grow. Because all things are easier if they are kept simple.

Golden Hair

She lives in a world where beauty is the basis of everything else, and where long, smooth, shiny hair is the basis of beauty. Rapunzel has the hair that everyone would want to have for beauty’s sake. Her golden hair is the longest, smoothest and shiniest among all others. Every lady in the kingdom idolizes her, every gentleman loves her. Every handsome and chivalrous prince comes out of his way just to see the most stunning girl, Rapunzel.

But not everyone loves Rapunzel. There is this one girl who hates the most beautiful with all her life. Razelda, Rapunzel’s twin sister, symbolizes ugliness in all aspects of it. Her hair is in the darkest color, in the most unpleasant order. No one loves Razelda because she is ugly. But she believes that beauty is not something people can see; it is way more than that. Beauty is not the beauty people know; it is something they should feel. And most of all, beauty is not Rapunzel because she knows what Rapunzel does when people are not looking; she knows what they are not seeing.

Razelda

I. HATE. HER. I hate her milky blue eyes. I hate her porcelain skin. I hate her gleaming white teeth. I hate her slim and sultry body. But most of all, I hate her long golden hair and how the people love her for that. I hate them because they don’t see what’s underneath. I hate myself for knowing what they do not know.

Rapunzel

One glimpse and they melt. One look and they go crazy. One smile and I have them throwing their bodies on a lion’s mouth for me. That is how beautiful I am. That is how much they love me and my long golden hair. Who would not love me anyway? Well, my ugly twin sister does not but who cares about her? She is very ugly, nobody even considers her as a human being. They call her a repelling witch, which, by the way, still makes me laugh real hard. And that title suits her façade well. An ugly title for an ugly face.

Contentment does not exist in my vocabulary. Why should I be contented when I can have more than what I already had? More beauty, more attention, more fame, more love. More of everything everybody else has. That is what I want.

Turning out to be a beautiful swan from an ugly duckling (like my dear sister Razelda) is kind of impossible. Fairy tales make people wish for the stars just to realize that no one is tall enough to reach for the sky. Of course, a beauty like me has it naturally and someone like Razelda who was born deadly ugly will never be beautiful even in the shallowest meaning of the word. Sorry dear sister, you will live with that ugly face of yours for eternity.

Rapunzel has the perfect body to go with the perfect face, a perfect trap to capture every man. She flaunts it every Saturday night as she sits near the window of her chamber at ten o’clock when all the townspeople are already asleep, or so she thinks. Then she sings a song that will surely wake one man who will luckily be her victim for the night. Every Saturday night she does this, sitting near the open window, singing a song with her brilliant voice, and luring a man to climb up the vines hanging on the wall of their house.

At the shadows, Razelda watches. She knows how her sister offers the lucky man some food and wine. She knows how Rapunzel makes the man drunk enough to forget everything else but her. She knows how the most beautiful makes him believe in things like gods as she lets him enter and come out of her in a continuous rhythm. And Razelda knows how the real witch kills him with one stab when he is at the peak of his pleasure. Razelda knows very well everything that happens. She knows what they do not know.

Razelda

I saw everything since we were very young. How she looks at herself in the mirror every minute just to see her long hair. How she is obsessed with the idea that she is beautiful. How she loves the fact that everybody loves her. How she embraces witchcraft to make her hair grow longer, to make her more stunning. Ha, they call me a witch because of how I look. I wonder how they will react when they see what she is doing behind their backs just to get their attention.

Long hair, beauty and fame: this is her formula. But there will always be a secret ingredient to every recipe. What is Rapunzel’s? Princes and gentlemen.

She lures them, hypnotizes them, and brings them to her chamber with the promise of happily ever after. They are all fools. Rapunzel loves nobody but herself. And to think that Rapunzel can love them, that is such a good joke. Every man who went with her is an idiot. They are all stupid brainless morons.

I never told her that I watch from the shadows every time she makes a sacrifice. People do not have the slightest idea of what Rapunzel looks like when she does her rituals. Not in their wildest dreams would they imagine “The Most Beautiful” in a state like that. Her outrageously long hair flies all around the room as she shouts chants of black magic. Her milky blue eyes turn black, her porcelain skin becomes chipped and her sweet smile changes to devilish. A real demon when she performs a sacrifice, Rapunzel is an angel after that. Besides, she is the most beautiful, for all the innocent fools in that case.

Rapunzel continues to take the townspeople in awe as she grew to a young woman. Everybody freezes in amazement when she walks in the streets of the town. She smiles but she smiles at no one. Still, the people think that she gives them her smile. They love her more for that smile, a smile not even meant for them. They stare at the curvature of her body and at the hips which sway with every step she makes. All of the townspeople are mesmerized with her hair which reaches her knees and how it looks more golden as the sun dips its rays on every strand.

Razelda continues to hate her sister for doing nothing but still making the people love her. Her hatred grows by the knowledge that her sister kills one man every week and the fools not knowing that it is Rapunzel that does the killing. The thought of men climbing up the walls of their house every Saturday night and watching them die makes her even more frustrated than she already is.

The number of men becomes fewer and fewer as each month passed and the town blames it on the forest they never even ventured. They put the blame on the inhabitants of the forest and on the old tall tower standing in the middle of it. They point on something far away when the problem is just in front of their faces.

Rapunzel

Razelda goes out of our house once in a blue moon. That is why nobody knows her exactly. They do not know that she is my twin. They started calling her a witch when she went out the same time men started to disappear. What a funny coincidence. Razelda is really stupid to have a grand entrance like that. But I still thank you, dear sister.  You saved me from the hotspot, not like anyone would blame me for the disappearances. Since then, she barely goes out of the house. In fact, she never goes out anymore. If I was as ugly as her, I should have killed myself. That would save her from all the pain of being ugly.

Another thing to thank, the forest. And oh, the tall tower which no one knows who built. Stupid people blame things they do not know. Lucky me, they know me. They do not just know me, they love me. And no moron would point a finger at me and say that I am responsible for the missing men. Because when that happens, that moron ought to be really smart.

Razelda

I can’t believe that all of them really think that the tower is the culprit. What stupidity! How can a tower who is older than the oldest man in town be responsible for that? Are they insane? And the disappearances just started when I and the witch turned thirteen which means that the town was as peaceful as it can be before that. Why blame the forest now?

Just because they saw me, the ugliest creature on earth, walking along the boundaries of the forest and the town does not mean that I live there and I am the one who takes away the lives of the missing men. I live with “The Most Beautiful” if only they know. That day, I just followed this handsome young lad Carlos whom I have been watching from the window since I was nine, wishing that nobody would see me and my ugly face. The black cloak did not help, the townspeople still saw me, and things just became worse, it made me look like a cruel witch. Now they blame me and the tower in the forest for something we did not do.

Thank you Rapunzel, thank you for that.

Since she was nine, Razelda likes a young town lad named Carlos. She knows almost everything about this boy: his favorite color, his take about the government, his view upon religion, his goals and his dreams. She knows him very well but he does not know that she exists. Just like all the other people in town, Carlos only takes notice of Razelda’s twin sister, the owner of the golden hair, Rapunzel.

Carlos is not just another boy in town. He is extra special. The son of the town mayor, Carlos can be considered as the prince of the little city. That is why Razelda isn’t the only one spotting him. Rapunzel’s eyes are also hot on the young man.

Rapunzel

I see Razelda every time she looks out the window to stare at Carlos. This ugly being has a taste for boys, hasn’t she? She did not only choose someone very handsome, she even picked the son of the mayor. What an ambitious hideous creature!

But, it would be really interesting to... Yes, Carlos... I wonder if he’s any good in bed.

-----

One Saturday night, Rapunzel sits near the window again, readying herself for another big night. She inhales deeply, and then sings the song she specially dedicates to Carlos this night. The man answers her call, he wakes when he hears the song then walks straight to the house where the voice comes from.

“Rapunzel! Let down your golden hair!” At the sound of his voice, Razelda straightened her back in the shadows making her visible to Rapunzel.

“What are you doing here?!” Rapunzel hisses at her twin.

“What are you doing to him?! Don’t you dare include him in your sacrificial collection!” Razelda shouts back while pointing a finger at Rapunzel’s face.

“Rapunzel? Is there any problem?” Carlos calls with a smile from outside the window. “Can I go up there? I would climb the vines if I have to.”

“Oh yes, dear Carlos. I would love to have you here,” Rapunzel replies before she turns back to Razelda. “You get out of here, you mongrel!”

“You stay away from him!” Razelda runs towards the window to warn Carlos but Rapunzel calls out a spell even before Razelda reaches the window.

“ADEPTO SICCO!”

Razelda is thrown out of the room with a big gush of wind which is followed by the loud bang of the door. Just as the door closes, Carlos reaches the top of the trellis and goes inside Rapunzel’s chamber.

“What is that?” Carlos asks after hearing the bash of the chamber door. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes...”

Without another word, Rapunzel runs towards Carlos and kisses him. She flies towards the bed with Carlos in her arms without him noticing his feet are already above the floor. The fire burning inside him grows even hotter as he kisses Rapunzel in the lips. He forgets everything but Rapunzel and the electricity going through his body. He does not hear Razelda shouting at him to stop from outside the chamber as he enters Rapunzel. He groans with the intensifying pleasure but as he reaches the climax, he stops groaning for she slashes his throat with a knife.

“Ah!” cries Carlos as the blood starts to rush down his neck.

At the same moment, Razelda pushes the heavy wooden doors of the chamber open. “No!” she shouts at the sight of Carlos naked and covered in blood. She looks at Rapunzel ferociously; her whole face turns red because of grave anger. “Slutty witch!” She runs angrily towards her twin but Rapunzel stops her with another spell.

“Vos subsisto!” Razelda freezes after the spell is said. “I am really sorry dear sister, I never knew you liked this handsome prince so much,” Rapunzel says as she licks the blood from Carlos’s neck.

“Whore!” Razelda says, still fixed on the same spot. “You can have any guy, any guy you want! Why did you choose him tonight? Why not someone else?”

“You want to know why?” The witch smiles. She turns around and wears a cloak to cover her nude body. “You really want to know why? I chose him, just because,” then she laughs a laugh the sound of a devil’s.

“You, YOU!” Razelda tries to move her muscles so she can avenge for her lost love but she still can’t lift even her toes.

“Why are you in a hurry? You still have a show to watch.” With that, Rapunzel’s golden hair flies around the room. She stares at Razelda with her coal black eyes then says, “I guess you already know how this works. It would not be a surprise anymore.” Rapunzel turns around then starts the ritual, “Porro saeta pulchellus laus!”

“No, no, no!” Rapunzel tries to close her eyes but she cannot.

As Carlos’s naked body is lifted by invisible hands, she cannot stop the tears from running. She witnesses how the manly figure of Carlos is deformed with each spell Rapunzel performs. At the end of Rapunzel’s ritual, nobody will be able to recognize Carlos’s once handsome physique.

Rapunzel looks at her hair now reaching her ankles. She smiles triumphantly at the sight of her rejuvenated hair. “Still in love with the handsome prince?” she laughs at her sarcastic remark.

“Why don’t you just burn in hell?” Razelda says while her eyes remain locked on Carlos’s disfigured body.

“Angel-like beauty is not appropriate there. Permoveo.”

Razelda is able to move again with the last spell. She slumps on the floor still crying her heart out. As Razelda crawls towards Carlos, Rapunzel walks out of the chamber still smiling exultantly. Razelda touches Carlos’s cheeks but his dead body turns to ashes then flies out of the room as the sun shines from direction of where the tower in the forest is at.

-----

Razelda

She killed so many men before but I never exposed her to the public. Not that what she is doing is alright for me but because no one would believe someone as ugly as me. I cannot rely on the people to help me cast this witch out of our town because they praise her, treat her like a goddess. I cannot ask for their help to help themselves if they love the source of their problems.

I hate her. I hate her long golden hair and how the people love her for that. I hate the people and their twisted belief that long golden hair is the basis of beauty and that beauty is the basis of everything else. But now, I do not hate myself anymore, because I can do something about what I know.

-----

While Rapunzel walks the streets of the town flaunting her ankle-long hair, Razelda enters her chamber to get her black book of witchcraft and spells. She searches for the right spell to use against her twin sister. She picks up fallen strands of Rapunzel’s hair for the spell then goes out of the room and waits for the night so she can go to the tower in the middle of the forest without anyone noticing her.

When Razelda reaches the tower, she lights up the candles then starts to chant the spell: Obfirmo quod propinquus, nunquam permissum suus sicco, operor retineo veneficus subterlabor. After that, she lights up the strands of Rapunzel’s hair then throws the ashes around the tower. As the dawn breaks, the tower illuminates to mark the end of the ritual.

Rapunzel wakes up inside a new room. The room only has a bed, a table and a chair, and a window at the other side of the bed. She peers out of the window and sees that she is inside the tall old tower in the middle of the forest. She looks down as a familiar voice calls, “Rapunzel, let down your golden hair!” then sees her ugly twin sister Razelda wearing a black cloak which covers her face.

“What did you do to me?” Rapunzel shouts angrily.

“Me? I just did you a favor. Look at your hair. Longer than ever, right?” Razelda laughs as she removes the cloak from her face.

Rapunzel is surprised to see that her hair is meters long and is more beautiful than ever. But she is more astonished to see that Razelda has transformed into a beautiful swan.

“You stole my spell book, didn’t you? Give it back to me and let me out of here!”

“Sorry dear sister, the spell is unbreakable. Well, I guess I have to go.” Razelda waves goodbye at Rapunzel then turns out to leave.

“Noooo!” Rapunzel shouts desperately after Razelda.

Before completely leaving, Razelda faces her sister one last time. “Don’t worry, I will never do anything you have done. I will make up for all that is lost from the town. And oh, I will bring you food once in a while. Goodbye dear sister.”

With that, Razelda returns to the town where beauty is the basis of everything else, and where long, smooth, shiny hair is the basis of beauty. But now, Razelda is the basis of the real beauty. The beauty that sees what is within.